The Seasoned Saints Among Us

I turned 40 last October. The big 4-0. Seems like a momentous time in a woman’s life, so I’m told. And I would agree. It’s a season teeming with celebration, transition and expectation. I started thinking about how I would want to celebrate this milestone in January of last year. How would I celebrate? Have a big party at a hall with a DJ? Go on a trip with my family? Go on a trip with some girlfriends? In truth, by the time my birthday rolls around, we’re near the end of the calendar year and we’ve celebrated most of the other birthdays in our family, that I’m usually just tired come the end of October and don’t feel like planning anything. I also prefer quiet and understated when it comes to my own birthdays. 

But, as one’s birthday will often do…I got reflective. I considered what God had been stirring in me in recent years. When you are in the thick of your current season, you can sometimes feel desperate for someone who has been there to speak into your life and give you the assurance of many things: that you’re not alone, that you can not just survive but still thrive, that you’re not irrevocably messing things up . What I began noticing is that it felt even sweeter and more grounding for that person to be several seasons ahead of where I was in life. They weren’t just fresh out of the season I was in, they had weathered my season and many more and yet they were singing louder the praises of our Abba Father, even while recognizing that some of those life experiences and seasons were brutal and hellish. The more I heard, the more I wanted to hear. 

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2: 3-5

The first relationship that woke me up to the beauty and impact of a Titus 2 mentoring relationship was a woman named Robin. She started as our realtor in 2013 and very quickly became my spiritual mama. Praise and prayer are always on her lips. Always. She is a friend, a mentor, “Auntie Robin” to my kids. She is family. She filled a gap I didn’t know existed in my life. 

Titus 2 is set in the context of false teaching being an issue in the church, so Paul is writing this letter to his coworker, Titus, providing him with a framework for a healthy, fruitful church. A community of disciples of Jesus was (and is) predicated upon sound doctrine—teaching that was accurate and faithful to Jesus’ teachings; that doctrine was taught relationally between the generations: older men to younger men, older women to older women, etc. That’s a very brief synopsis, but you know what I noticed and love about this Titus passage? It’s not about personality types or differences. You know what else I love? It instructs the older women to teach, but not before they’ve checked themselves first. You know what ELSE I love? It does not mean teach as in get up in front of a podium or on a stage or in front of a bible study. Those aren’t the only spaces where teaching occurs. They are valuable and needed, but our daily lives aren’t lived on stages and in front of classes. They exist in the phone calls and texts between meetings or as you’re preparing dinner, during your daily walk or with your kids’ music instructor in between their lessons.

As I mentioned, I had no idea this was a void in my life that I was longing to be filled. As we settled into our new (yet old) church, I noticed a robust community of older women; some who have known me since childhood, others whom I am just getting to know. I had a growing desire to hear their stories, particularly what has kept them tethered to Jesus all these years. So, I decided to ask them. Not only did they graciously agree, but they are also letting me share their responses. My only requirement was that they had to be several seasons ahead of me (think abuelas and beyond).

How I would have loved to have had these conversations either as a group, roundtable style, or one-on-one in person at a coffee shop or in their homes. But I am also glad to have their thoughts in writing for me to return to for years to come when sojourning here feels extra hard or journeying with Jesus comes with challenges I wouldn’t have expected.

The three questions I presented to these ladies were:

1. What is something to look forward to about getting older?
2. What are some potential blind spots to be on the lookout for?
3. What aspect of God’s character has become more real to you in the last 10+ years?

Responses are grouped by number rather than by person; so, you will see all the responses to question #1 together, all the answers to question #2 together and so on. Their responses are anonymous and unedited. Each paragraph is a different person’s response.

What is something to look forward to about getting older?

As I get older, I look forward to one day having grandchildren. But I look forward to it only if my daughter is walking in truth. She walked away from God, and I can only pray that one day she will be restored. I pray that the bible verses she memorized and stored in her heart as a child while participating in AWANAs would one day come to mind in circumstances where God would reveal to her to apply them. I once looked forward to traveling with my spouse, but after the divorce that all changed. Getting older, when you are alone, isn’t fun and can be very lonely at times. As a believer you know you are never alone, but it can be a challenge and, as a human, I struggle sometimes. I rely on the great Comforter to get me through those times.

Becoming wiser; Having better discernment; Prioritizing the things that God would have you do; A deepening love for God and his word; Being a bolder witness for Christ

I have nothing positive to say about getting older, is another stage in our physical growth. Is not a pretty one because it entails pain, physical + emotional. The body changes and does not hold you as sturdy as before so we have to watch how we walk, where we walk and eventually get a cane or a walker or a wheelchair. All these changes hit your emotions and if we are not positive about the outlook on life, depression sets in. I’ve not seen myself as an elderly woman, God has granted me enough energy and positive thinking till the day I die and I’m grateful for that. Yes, I’m old, but I don’t want to be treated as such, especially when people think we are incapable of following thoughts or discussions. Yes, we lose some memory + probably some emotional control, but we are not mental or emotional invalids.

The short answer is to be stronger in the Lord and my experience of Him. The older you get, the more memories of life you have. It’s great! Conversation is far more interesting when it’s rich with personal experience. When you know God personally and have experienced his saving grace, getting older is simply an opportunity to experience more of God and His wonderful grace every day that you live for all that he has planned for you/me. I’ve been blessed to see my children marry well and have children and to have some (but not all) living nearby. Getting older gives me more opportunity to do things that the busyness of young years (working and raising a family) may not allow. Having your health is a BIG blessing because then you can do more, but what if you don’t?? Then God has something for you to do that will give satisfaction and purpose and joy in whatever situation you are. God has a perfect plan for each of us. It’s wonderful to look forward to His plan for older years. They will be good years because He is good. Even losing my husband very suddenly at 59 has allowed me blessings of travel and ministry I never would have anticipated for myself but that I absolutely LOVE! It was a major detour to my journey, but…God has shown me His goodness and that he equips us for whatever he allows. I could actually write A LOT on this subject. That God is faithful in ALL things He allows. Nothing happens without his permission. I believe that with all my heart. 

Something I have enjoyed about getting older is the adult relationship I have with my girls. I’ve enjoyed watching them grow and mature and live independently, even if I haven’t agreed with all their decisions. And of course, becoming a grandmom soon. I can’t wait for that, to pour into and love my daughter’s child! What a blessing. 

Having more time with yoiur husband as your children grow and move out. Having grandchildren!!! Embrace getting older, with age comes wisdom.

There are quite a few wonderful things to be looking forward to as you age. One day you will stop having your period. Now this also means no more children but I am thinking you may not be wanting any more at this point. There are a few quirks to going through menopause but once you’re on the other side it will be great. Second, once your children start to fly from the nest, you will have more time on your hands. Many women go into business or start doing something that they started to do when they were teenagers. I started to think about writing during that time, taught myself to quilt and started to look into family history. You can choose to work on your relationship with Jesus. I’ve done much more in-depth study of the word as I’ve gotten older, and God has blessed me tremendously. He never stops blessing His daughters who choose to seek Him. Then you in turn can teach others. And we never “arrive”! The more we learn and know, the more we see how little we know.

What are some potential blind spots to be on the lookout for?

I’m not sure how to answer this. Potential spiritual blind spots can be feeling sorry for yourself, I guess, and allowing yourself to sink into a depression. I have been very close to the precipice of falling into that state, but praying, meditating, and reading Scripture soothes the soul. Keeping yourself active, busy with family and friends helps to avoid this stumbling block.

Being careful to discern the truth of God’s word and search the scriptures; seek Godly advice when necessary; looking to God only when having to make a decision and not the world or well-intentioned friends.

Keeping up to date in your spiritual walk: your study time, your church service, your Christian fellowship with your Christian community, etc. Age effects your behavior so be careful with controlling anger, negativism and your tongue. 

You MUST keep your eyes on Jesus and make time for him! He will strengthen you for whatever you deal with. For whatever! It’s a discipline that is essential for spiritual strength to see you through the difficulties and challenges of life. It comes through that strong personal relationship, which comes through knowledge of God’s word. All believers know it’s important, but it’s easy for other things to take priority. A workout at the gym should not trump time with Jesus. You make the choice as to the way you use your time, which is so very precious. Stay connected to the church. Ultra important. We NEED the body of Christ. In today’s culture other idols can easily begin to push out that which is more important. Remember, children learn what they live. And people are watching us as well. 

Easy question as it’s very easy in mid life/older age to “coast” and become complacent. Your faith is deep and real, but it’s easy to get lazy and to allow distractions to creep in.

Illness, whether it’s you, your husband or your children, you can never prepare yourself for illness.

Unfortunately there are some! We tend to think that just because we’re getting older that Satan will stop bugging us – he doesn’t! We tend to think that we’ve learned our lessons and sin will no longer have any hold on us – beware of that type of thinking. “Be on the alert lest Satan get an advantage over you.” 2 Corinthians. I went through a breakdown when I was in my 50s and it was partially from spiritual reasons. I had lapsed into some gossip that got me into trouble. 

What aspect of God’s character has become more real to you in the last 10+ years?

I believe God’s faithfulness is clear and has become more real to me in the past years. He has delivered me from trials and deep, deep waters. He has given me joy during troubling circumstances and has given me great peace when I asked for it. During the trials all I wanted was peace and peace alone. When I moved to a new home, I moved to Bensalem to a quiet over 55 community called Village of Salem Manor. At the time, the meaning of “Bensalem” was unbeknownst to me. God brought me to live in a town called “Bensalem” – meaning “Son of Peace” and “Salem” Manor meaning “Peace Manor (house)”. Isn’t that wild? You can’t get more peaceful than that! So yes, the Lord’s faithfulness is a characteristic I am keenly aware of. If you seek and ask Him, the Lord is faithful to respond according to His will for you.

God’s faithfulness – He became my husband after the death of my beloved husband; Adonai – my master; My Shepherd -Jehovah Rahi; El Shaddai – the all sufficient one; Rapha – the Lord who heals; Shalom – He is my peace; He is El Elyon – the God most high

His unlimited mercy to forgive all sin without works or merit. To erase the Catholic teachings I grew up with till I was 36, the year I got saved, took a long time to make the transition to a Baptist believing Christian. His love + mercy, His presence and answer to prayer. His care + compassion for me and my sinful nature is what has become more real as I grow up and for my senior years.

Definitely, His sovereignty. That He is in control of ALL things. And I have to also say His omnipresence…He’s always there! He was there the day my husband died, He was there when I was hit by 4 reckless teenagers who didn’t see a stop sign, totaling my car, but…it’s not mine anyway…all I have belongs to God. God allowed that to happen. He also was well aware of COVID and how we would respond to it. He is conducting my symphony. I just must “play my instrument” to His glory. He has numbered my days and I choose to have joy in the journey until He takes me home. A favorite verse: Deuteronomy 33:25, “As your days are, so shall your strength be.”

God’s presence with me and the fact that He “sees” me (my all time favorite Bible story is Hagar). This stage of lie can be lonely, kids are grown, work pulls us in different directions, energy is less (at least for me). I treasure the fact that God sees me, my weaknesses, my failures, etc. and loves me anyway. When things go wrong and life is scary, He sees me and is present with me every second.

God’s faithfulness and his mercy! He has blessed me so much but I think with this past year of cancer, treatment and almost dying, He has showed me that no matter what He loves me, and is faithful. I see the evidence of His goodness all over my life! Continue to put Him first! This doesn’t mean you won’t have trouble, but the closer you are to Jesus, He will see you through and His way is best. We may not understand at the time how good can come from such heartache, but it does!

Where do I begin?! I think of where God tells Moses His name – and it’s all His character. “And the LORD passed by before him, and proclaimed, “The LORD, The LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and loving kindness, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the inquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children’s children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.” Exodus 34: 6-7. His mercy is great, unbelievable at times. His promise to be with us even when we are old has kept me in the fight many a time – “and even to your old age I am he; and even to grey hairs will I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you.” Isaiah 46: 4

Bonus Nuggets

I got bonus wisdom-nuggets from two of the women. I am grateful for their overflow! Here is what they had on their hearts to share…

Nugget 1: And just as a side note (bonus question!) – I really hate the way society views aging. It’s an honor to be blessed with a long life. It’s a blessing to mature, be kinder to yourself and others as you learn to let “nonsense” go. I’ve had two very dear friends who passed away in their 50s. It taught me to appreciate life and all of God’s blessings. Not everyone gets to age. I turned 57 in December, no shame in that! Now, I do wish aging didn’t come with wrinkles, achy joints, forgetfulness, etc., but overall I still consider it a privilege. 

Nugget 2: Let me add this little thought: We can’t control everything, in fact we are not in control of anything!! God is, He has ordained every step of our life to go according to His plan! He still allows us to choose, that’s where we get into trouble. We don’t always seek Him in all our decision making. So when we make choices out of His will or plan He has to bring us back. One example I will give is when I chose to do chemo. I truly believe the Lord brought me through the blood clots in my lungs in July and the whole life support and hospital stay to tell me “no more chemo! You asked me to heal you now let me heal you!”. I decided not to do anymore chemo until I received the results of my DNA cancer cell test and that’s where Jesus really showed off with a negative result! No live cancer cells in my body. Trust the Lord in ALL things and seek his will. It’s always what is best!

Final Thoughts

As I mentioned at the beginning, I wish these Q+A snippets could have been fleshed out in full conversations as these women gave honest glimpses into the innerworkings of walking with Jesus in a fallen world with death, decay and depression; with dreams unmet and wounded relationships. I am reminded of a quote from Elisabeth Elliot’s Suffering is Never for Nothing that says, “…The cup ye drink was at the lip of sweet Jesus, and He drank of it.” And, He trusted His Abba, still. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 strengthens us with this, “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary afflication is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

I had already received the responses from these seasoned saints when I came across an Instagram Reel by Jackie Hill Perry that spoke directly to what was the impetus for this whole endeavor, and so I leave you with that reel with wise words from Dr. Sarita Lyons.

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A post shared by Jackie Hill Perry (@jackiehillperry)

How To Know If A Trauma Healing Group Is For You

I’ve mentioned in previous posts that part of my journey toward healing involved a trauma healing group. A year ago, at this time, we were just about to wrap up the curriculum and our time together and I can tell you from what I learned in that group and what I have lived in the year since is that healing may not be fully accomplished this side of heaven. And that’s okay. It doesn’t have to be a scary thing. Just the other morning grief hit me in a new and unforeseen way as my family and I prepare for a pretty big transition. That’s the thing with grief. Its nuances are unending, triggers can appear out of nowhere and take you to that place without a moment’s notice to brace yourself.

I’ve also mentioned that one thing I learned is there is a difference between grieving and healing. One of the encouraging aspects of the group was the fact that it used a curriculum with two facilitators who guided us through each week’s lesson. These facilitators not only understood grief and trauma from a place of personal experience, but also with robust training in trauma care. There is nothing wrong with participating in a grief support group and simply verbalizing one’s experiences, like my husband and I did immediately following our loss with Thalia. In fact, I encourage it. Both resources, the support group and the trauma healing group, gave me permission to sit and to sift, but the added benefit of the trauma healing group is that it gave me language for what I was experiencing, and it gave me a new lens. It provided practical steps to take that would transition my heart from grieving to actual healing. 

A key element that helped orient our thinking was understanding what trauma actually is, distinguishing between trauma and hard life-things. Trauma is an event that happens in your life that causes a deep wound and takes a long time to heal. It’s characterized by overwhelming fear, helplessness or horror, and there’s nothing we could have done to stop it from happening. Not all emotional pain or hard life situations are trauma. And it’s also not a one-size-fits-all thing. Some people can experience the same event differently, like miscarriage, for example. A very simplified and basic way to determine whether what you are experiencing is trauma or not is if it’s been a long time since the event and you are still reeling. So, for me, the nature of how my two miscarriages transpired affected how I was impacted and then how I categorized these events. Additionally, if there have been multiple occurrences of the same type of event, then that can lead to trauma.

Some of the transformative takeaways from the group were: 

• Trauma is an event; healing is a journey. 
• We walked through the three different villages on the healing journey and as you’re navigating this whole process there are different stops along the way and it takes time and energy (read: action) to traverse. 
• You will likely travel to these stops multiple times. You will visit and revisit each village, but you no longer set up camp there.
• Healing is a jagged line in the same direction.
• When you bury something (like an experience, the emotions and thoughts that stem from that experience), you bury it alive. It will live like an ugly monster till it is dealt with.
• The bible supports honest expression of emotion. One of the exercises was to write our own personal lament using Psalm 13 as a guide.
• Sometimes the trauma needs to be shared repeatedly for years and years.

One of the facilitators felt such a passion and calling for this kind of ministry that she founded a non-profit organization called Wholehearted Women. She has the desire to build, strengthen and equip a community of trauma survivors who can thrive and live the abundant life God desires for us (abundance in God’s economy does not look like the world’s definition of abundance, by the way…just throwing that out there). To that end, my interaction with the ladies in my group and the facilitators didn’t end when the 6 weeks of meetings concluded. Not only is there an annual retreat, called the Longing Retreat, where all of the groups converge for a weekend of a little more heart work with possibly more tears, definitely rest, good food and a lot of laughter. Our interaction on the group’s communication platform is pretty regular, too, so that as we experience grief in a new way or we are celebrating working through a pitstop in one of those villages I mentioned above, or sharing scripture or songs, we constantly have access to a group of women who actually understand. That is invaluable. 

The very first Longing Retreat last summer. Photo credited to Jeanette Parker @dotallthejays for @wholehearted_women

If you find yourself in the place I was, wondering if an experience is actually trauma, re-read the paragraph above briefly describing what trauma is and then, if you find that indeed it is, I encourage you to join a trauma healing group. Or maybe you know you’ve experienced trauma, but you haven’t fully dealt with its effects yet, I also encourage you to consider registering for a group. I’m sure there are many resources out there, but you can begin your journey with Wholehearted Women at https://www.wholeheartedwomen.net.

You may be wrestling with the fear of going there. But please hear me, dear one, Jesus is so intimately familiar with sorrow that he is referred to as “…a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief,” in Isaiah 53:3. Now, here the prophet Isaiah is writing what is known as a Servant Song and this passage is the 4^th one specifically identified as the “Song of the Suffering Servant” pointing to the suffering Jesus would endure for our sake. If he literally became sin…for us…then it is part of His character that he absolutely will not leave you to face the journey alone. Not only that, but, from my own life-story regarding trauma, I do not believe He will unravel the shroud of trauma all at once, but rather thread by thread, so the pain will not overtake you. The other day I heard in the audiobook I’m currently listening to that the Greek word for workmanship in Ephesians 2:10, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them,” is poiema. I consulted my Blue Letter Bible app to confirm this and there it was, workmanship = poiema. Poem! We (YOU) are God’s poem! One creative writing instructor in a university gave one description of a poem as “a strange thing which operates as nothing else in the world does.” This was an object lesson in one of his classes that involved inanimate objects, one in particular being a gas mask. Strange indeed. But in the context of people, we can replace the word strange with the word complex, or replace it with whatever word you’d like, but the point is that you as the created thing are intended to operate in the world as nothing else in the world can because the Creator intended it as so, according to His word. As debilitatingly painful as sifting and working through trauma can seem, it is one of the tools God wants to use in your life for your good and His glory. It is part of the story He’s woven for you that He will use to draw others unto Himself.

Take heart and take courage…courage is given so that you can move. It’s time to move, friend. 

Sources: gotquestions.org, theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2013/11/what-is-a-poem/281835,  A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman

3 Things I Learned from a Yearlong Social Media Fast

Scripture specifies that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil (I Timothy 6:10), not money itself; likewise, social media—while not essential to life in a modern world like money is—is the product of minds that have a specific set of skills and talents endowed to them by our Creator and is therefore a gift. I have a saying in our home as it relates to physical order and tidiness: a place for everything and everything in its place (I also say every single item in our home needs to have a home or it cannot take up residence in our home, but that’s for another post another day). Likewise, social media has a place, we just have to keep it there, and that requires a decent amount of self-discipline. It’s so easy to follow genuinely interesting rabbit trails as well as embarrassingly meaningless ones.

My fast from social media did not include all platforms. YouTube was never a source of distraction for me. Its primary function in my life was to guide me in which workout I was doing each morning. Part of my nightly routine while laying with one of my kids as I put them to bed was (and still is) to select my workout routine for the following morning so I could optimize my pre-sunrise time and jump right into it. I also kept the Facebook messenger app because I have a thread with my close group of homeschool mama friends that I wanted to remain present for…we don’t all live super close, so this is our way of doing life together.

Now that those disclaimers are out of the way, let’s jump right into 3 things (with a few subpoints) I learned by fasting from social media for a year.

1. When you remove one distraction there are a host of others waiting in the wings. 

Turns out my phone use data report didn’t budge as much as I would have thought with the simple removal of social media, which means it wasn’t just the apps on my phone, but the phone itself (Pinterest, audiobooks, podcasts). I quickly resolved to leave my phone in my kitchen drawer for large portions of the day. I’ve now taken that a step further and charge my phone and watch downstairs overnight instead of on my bedside table. 

And it wasn’t just technology. As an introverted homebody, my physical spaces have always been important to me, whether it was my room growing up, my office at my place of employment, my apartment or the homes I’ve shared with my husband and kids. I always desire our spaces to reflect who we are: the season of life in which we find ourselves, our personalities, what’s important to us, our interests and defining our style. Doing little DIY projects and planning out home décor is always something I’ve done, but somehow with the elimination of one time-consuming distraction, I noticed all the different ways my home could be improved upon and they all felt urgent. 

There were other distractions, of course, but you get the idea. Unless you are intentional about the time and space once usurped by the scrolling-of-the-app, then your time will be spent just as aimlessly as before, just on something else. There’s a saying Paul David Tripp writes in his books: “a good thing becomes a bad thing when it becomes a ruling thing.” That’s not exclusive to social media. Once I was aware of it, my antennae were up, and I was better able to distinguish between rest or momentary leisure versus distraction, and then it became easier to actually pause to enjoy the former because it was in its proper place and used with intention, and move past the latter.

2. The journey had just begun. 

The real work wasn’t the deletions of the apps from my phone. It wasn’t even resisting the initial temptations to reinstall them for a quick fix… “just for a minute”. The whole point was to have the emotional energy to sit and sift through my trauma. To engage with it in a way that was productive and healing and forward-moving. The point, as I worked through my trauma, was to live out each day with sufficient mental energy and inner calm to disciple my kids through character-building moments, both big and small. The point was to create enough margin in my life to recognize other areas of brokenness, to plumb their depths and actively seek the healing they needed. It is because of that aim that I became a student again. I consumed literature (and even helpful YouTube episodes on certain channels, whether they were about fitness or food or parenting) that would give me new insights and wisdom that would inch me closer to whatever the goal was in a particular area. After consumption comes application, so it wasn’t enough to acquire the knowledge, I had to give myself the margin to implement new strategies and methods and give them the time to fail and work out the kinks, etc. Thankfully, this doesn’t end just because a temporary fast has ended. The journey is ongoing till we are welcomed into our real-and-forever home, heaven.

3. It will reap a great reward.

I journal more now. 

I journal for my benefit as my memory constantly fails me, and for the benefit of my children who may want to thumb through my inked thoughts one day. It took 10 ½ solid years to fill the pages of one journal. The first entry was on January 5, 2010, and the last on July 31, 2020. For someone who has always been reflective and a journaler, it should not have taken that long. I was deeply saddened by this. I know why, of course. For that first entry I was a newlywed in the throes of living with someone full-time and figuring out that whole oneness thing as well as being part of a blended family, this time on the marital/parenting side (I grew up in a blended family). I had already suffered one miscarriage that I was processing and as the years trickled by there were high-risk, largely awful pregnancies, the whirlwind of first-time parenting, PPD/PPA, more mourning. I had little emotional or mental energy to sit and process my thoughts and emotions. I journaled through my grief in my mourning journal gifted to me by the hospital after I delivered Thalia and I wrote entries in my main journal here and there, but nothing consistent. I kept notes on my phone that I still have and add to today cataloging each kids’ milestones, what they are enjoying in any given season, and the funny things they say. Verbal snapshots of those blurry fleeting years. I also blogged. And then I didn’t. And then I did. So, it’s not like there’s no record of what life was like during that time, it’s just disjointed and not in one primary location with personal revelations from the Lord or mental wanderings and wonderings. So, without the distraction of mindless scrolling, I resolved to resume regular and intentional journaling. 

My relationship with the Triune God grew in intimacy. 

I applied Matthew 22:37 and sought to love God with my mind as much as with my heart and soul by reallystudying God’s Word. There is a difference between reading it to garner a feel-good spiritual nugget to get me through my day and studying it—combing through a book verse by verse to deepen my understanding of the metanarrative of Scripture. I owe a great deal of gratitude to Jen Wilkin’s book Women of the Word for guiding me in this discipline. To know God and be fully known by Him (and loved no less) is the secret sauce to life itself, especially because it puts my view of God in its proper place, and it puts my view of my own sin in its proper place. I know I’m a sinner. My salvation is predicated upon that confession, followed by the acknowledgment of Jesus Christ as my redemptory Savior because of His shed blood on a rugged cross, punctuated by his Resurrection, confirming His identity as Messiah. But for God to excavate the secret places of my heart that housed sins I was too blind to see is extremely painful and humbling. It is also a grace. He reveals to heal and to remind me of my profound need for Him every moment of every day, and that’s not a spiritual platitude. It’s the reality of my spiritual condition.

I read more books.

I mentioned Tripp’s saying above that even a good thing can be a bad thing when it distracts from the important things (or people). So, while it wouldn’t have been healthy to read through a sibling squabble where my parental intervention was truly needed because they couldn’t resolve it on their own; or keep my nose in a book to avoid a difficult conversation with my spouse, it is healthy to designate times in one’s day to engage in something that brings about inner rest. For me, that’s reading. I also recognized the stolen minutes throughout my day that could amount to some decent reading gains; for example, instead of watching IG stories while making dinner, I read a physical copy of a book or listen to an audiobook. My pen and book are always within reach. Audiobooks are great for laundry-folding time or any tedium that doesn’t require a lot of focus and attention. God has used them greatly to minister to my heart.

I’m a less lazy parent. 

If you’re a parent, I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet that your kids, no matter the age, are not going to fully comprehend something the first time they’re told. Or even the fifth or tenth time. From how to thoroughly clear the table after meals, to how to fold their socks, to engaging with the other sinners in the home in a way that honors God and one another. Training takes so much time. And it’s so repetitive. Sinning against one another happens daily. And, so, walking them through the journey of mucky relational separation to reconciliation happens daily. I have to practice what I preach (ugh, why) and the physical energy that is drained when emotional energy is expended in order to fight the urges to respond to my kids in the flesh versus training and discipling them is astounding. It leaves me utterly exhausted. But because I have an ABBA Father who calls me to draw near to Him when I am weary and He will give me rest (Matthew 11:28)…because I serve a God who instructs me to trade yokes with Him because His is light (Matthew 11:30)…because the Spirit of God lives in me and cultivates the fruit of His Spirit (you know the ones: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, Galatians 2:22-23)…because of these things and more, I am renewed and refreshed and able to enter, moment-by-moment, this high calling of motherhood in the way I am actually called to fulfill it, imperfectly yet diligently.

Core Creek Park

Resurrection Sunday, 2020

Healing happened.

The goal of a whole year without social media as a regular presence in my life allowed me to go through the ebbs and flows of the healing process. There are days when you are ready to get to work. To dig and weep and wail and write and draw and pray and listen and talk. And then you get tired, and you need to stop. And then you resume when your spirit is ready again. This is the pattern and it felt really good to honor the journey in this way, to completely remove the option of that particular distraction. At first it felt daunting to commit to the whole year, so I would tell people at least 6 months and then I would go from there. At some point I just lost the taste for it altogether. I was seeing progress in every area God had graciously revealed needed work and I didn’t want to shortchange myself or my family, so I continued the fast. The journey continues, but I am in a much better and more equipped place today than I was a year ago.

Photo taken by my friend, Nichole, during our Winter RefresHER Retreat last year (pre-COVID).

Now What…

The points I’ve shared merely scratch the surface of how much I gained by losing this one superficial pleasure. As the year crossed that 6-month mark I paused and thought, okay, what happens when the year is up? Then what? What if I’m not done? Then it was like the Lord graced me with his gentle humor and said daughter, the work will never be done. It will continue always, but you have tasted me in new ways this year and you have seen my goodness in these particular areas. I will guide you in 2021 and beyond just as I have guided you in 2020 and all your years prior, with or without social media.

The Why Behind My Yearlong Social Media Fast

My husband took this photo on our family hike in Jim Thorpe, PA last fall.

What’s In A Word?

You know how having a word for the year has risen in popularity over recent years? Maybe it’s been longer and that’s just when I started paying attention. It seems almost everyone does it, which is partially why I resisted. I know, so silly. There is always a part of me that doesn’t want any part of what the current trend is: Christian living book becomes an instant best seller, I’m immediately suspicious. Scrunchies are back? No, thanks. Chokers? I’ll pass.  Admittedly, I didn’t initially see the value in choosing a word for the year, but several years ago I had a change of heart as the mirror-reflection of who I was on any given day was not the woman I aspired to be and so I thought, well, maybe there’s something to this word thing. I began to see it as something the Lord could use to bring me back to center. When I was having a particularly stressful week and was tempted to bark decisive NO!s at my kids’ creative fancies, I was able to look at one of the words on my fridge and remember I wanted to be more of a YES! mom when it came to imaginative explorations of all kinds (and in other areas, as well). It took me outside of myself and shifted my perspective to one that yes, asked a lot of me in letting go and also in the self-discipline of gently training my kids in the art of cleanup after loving our spaces well (i.e., making huge messes), but also ushered me into creating the kind of home atmosphere I truly desired. As I saw how the Lord would reveal different ways in which the word/s for that given year would be challenged and cultivated, I was sold hook, line and sinker. Some years I’ve had a phrase, some I’ve had a list of words, some I’ve just had one. 

The Lord started laying the groundwork for my 2020 word about 3/4^ths of the way through 2019. I had already been feeling like something was shifting. I didn’t post any of the blog posts I’d planned on sharing. I didn’t even write them. My IG stories and other social media posts were less frequent. It literally felt like God was telling me I needed to conserve my energy. That we were going to be doing a big and deep and stretching work together in 2020 and I was going to need every ounce of my energy, focus, and attention for what was to come; and to be able to fulfill my roles as wife, mama and homeschooler well in the midst of the journey God and I would embark upon. As those thoughts were ruminating in my mind and starting to settle into my spirit, I sensed I needed to fast from social media. Not for a month or 40 days, but for the whole year. Can I tell you the impact the world that we live in had on me? I thought for a moment, if I ever want to build a platform in these spaces, I can’t afford to just leave for a year. Mind you, I had about 400 followers last I checked on Dec. 31, 2019, so who was I kidding? It was funny, really. I snapped out of that one pretty quickly and immediately realized I couldn’t afford not to leave it all. 

Advent 2019, though we relished in all of our annual traditions and it was certainly special, personally felt particularly heavy and somber. I was both frightened by the reality of digging into some deep pain yet eager to begin the work. And I have to say, I am constantly blown away at God’s loving-kindness toward me in cluing me in to what was to come. I didn’t know all the ways it would manifest and flesh itself out, but He spoke clearly to me and gave me a spiritual heads up and I believe I was able to prayerfully prepare my heart for the year ahead because of it. It was during this time that I sensed the Lord whisper healing.

Broken Pieces

The impetuses for my healing journey were the visceral reactions I was having to friends getting pregnant, especially close friends in our homeschool co-op at the time and one of my best friends outside of homeschooling (although she’s one of us now! ). It may sound childish or petty to some (or many), but for me it gouged open a deep wound that was just trying to heal. That, indeed, I thought had healed! I wanted to be happy for them and, of course, on a level I was, but I was always struck with a level of grief that transported me right back to October 27, 2009; March 22, 2016; and March 20, 2017. The first two dates are the days I miscarried Angel at 17 ½ weeks (removed via DNC) and Thalía at 25 weeks (delivered vaginally in the hospital), respectively. The last date was when I delivered my son via emergency cesarean because my uterus had ruptured and he was at risk of dying or at the very least suffering brain damage with lasting developmental differences due to lack of oxygen to his brain. He was born not breathing and his heart rate was so low it was almost undetectable, and I…well, I was at great risk myself. 

See, as cliché as it may be, I was that girl, teen, young adult and woman who desired a husband and lots o’ kids. I had career aspirations and personal goals, but nothing compared to the knowing of my soul that I was meant to be a wife and mama. I used to always say I wanted 10 kids and a farm. As I grew into adulthood and saw parenting up close, I wittled the number down to 5. After labor with my oldest earthside baby it shifted to um, yeah, let’s take this one kid at a time LOL. But time did what time does. It muted the memory of the physical pain and as I settled into motherhood, that deep longing for a large family re-emerged. It felt both comical and cruel that the Lord led me into homeschooling, a community whose baseline number of kids is 4 and then they just go up from there. Of course, I’m generalizing as there certainly are homeschoolers with 2 and 3 kids. Even only kids, but it’s not the norm. The norm is 4+. 

So, there I was in my hospital room after delivering my son (who was now in the NICU and whom I could not nurse or hold) with a broken uterus and dashed dreams. Carrying more children would be a danger to myself and to them. It was a miracle they’d been able to save my uterus at all. It was the unwelcomed end to my child-bearing years. And it crushed me. Sex felt pointless if it couldn’t result in a baby. I didn’t deny my husband intimacy, but there was no deep spiritual joy in it for me for a little while. We were given the biblical call-to-action to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28) and I no longer could.

The Lightbulb Moment

Because God will be God and do what only He can do, the events of the following several months could have only transpired through divine orchestration. My husband and I led the events ministry at our church at the time and were planning a women’s conference. Two other ladies from church and myself would be speakers, but we were still searching for a main speaker. It was suggested that I reach out to a woman I knew from 8 years prior—she had been my doula with my Rosiegirl. She and her husband served the Lord faithfully at their church here in Philly and had recently been called to move to plant a sister church in Camden, NJ. I’d been told she was a dynamic speaker and dedicated to the Word, so I gave her a call. She graciously accepted and the process of planning and talking things through and praying with her and the other ladies was truly a delight. Somewhere along the line she mentioned she worked at the American Bible Society in Trauma Care where they facilitated trauma healing groups. They were hoping to pilot an online format, but at that time it was just a conversation. Nothing concrete. I found that to be a fascinating and deeply profound work, but didn’t think much more of it. Till a couple of months later when I was hit with the news of another pregnancy for one of my closest friends. After I sat with my guttural response for a while (hours, days, I don’t remember) I had a sudden thought: what if my miscarriages, particularly my loss with Thalia, and my son’s birth were considered trauma? Could they be? I had no idea, but I called the one person I knew could answer that for me—our guest main speaker from the conference months before. Her answer was an emphatic “Yes!” and it was like that proverbial lightbulb moment where I saw what I was experiencing through a completely different lens. I immediately asked if the online trauma group was happening and she said they were still trying to work some things out, but they would know by February 2020. It took everything in me to wait till February 1^st to text her with a casual-sounding-yet-desperate-hearted text inquiring how the process was going. Turns out I had texted her the day or the day after details had been finalized. I registered immediately and the group began on Ash Wednesday, 2020, and ran for the duration of Lent.

Healing Begets Healing

As I anticipated news of the trauma healing group, I began pondering if healing might be needed elsewhere. I listened for where the Lord led and as He graciously revealed other areas of brokenness in my life, I made a list (because, hi, it’s me and I love a good list). Some were personal, some my husband and I tackled together. And, so, 2020 turned into a year of transformation and victory. As with all things, though, the Tempter will always try to weasel his way back into those areas to create a stronghold again. So it is with sanctification—it is a constant, daily working out of our salvation under the shadow of the cross; a process that requires a fully dependent and surrendered life to the character and will of Father God. The most beautiful and grounding promise He offers is that, as His child, He will never leave me to journey alone. Ever.

Seeing God in my grief: A Devotional

Alpha and Omega. Judge. King of Kings. Sometimes in the bigness of who God is we forget the intimacy that can exist between the Creator and His creation. He can be perceived as an aloof spectator perched on a cloud, but as we pore through the pages of Scripture, we see that not only is He those larger-than-life, magnanimous things, but He is simultaneously our Shepherd and Friend (John 15:15); God with us (Isaiah 7:14); and, if we have put our faith and trust in Jesus Christ as Lord, He is our Daddy, our Abba Father. Each of these latter descriptions gives us a clear understanding of how God relates to us on an intimate, personal level. He cares for every detail of our lives. Matthew 6:26 gives us assurance of that very thing: “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”

Living with and navigating through a loss can feel like a valley we will never climb out of; so daunting and draining a task that we don’t even want to attempt it. But, there is something about grief and loss that is grounding. It forces you to get rid of or sift through all of the Christian fluff and niceties, and get to the nitty gritty of what this faith-walk is all about. It is an opportunity to experience full intimacy with our Heavenly Daddy and be a living testimony of His promises, and that He is faithful to fulfill them. When the core of who we are feels like it has been utterly destroyed by unspeakable, deafening, soul-shattering loss—the kind where you literally do not know how you will be able to survive even a minute because part of you has already died, or put one foot in front of the other, He. is. with. you. In the shower when you’re banging your fist against the tiles. In your bed when you’re sobbing and screaming into your pillow. In your car when you’re numbly driving around running errands that seem mundane and meaningless. He is not leaving you to navigate your grief alone, but navigate it you must. It is by no means an easy journey, but it is a worthy one. It is a purposeful one. Jesus bore your pain on the cross, and as He was resurrected, He and He alone is resurrecting you, one tear-filled prayer at a time.

Prayer:

Abba Father, you are my Rock and my Redeemer; my Counselor and Great I Am. You are worthy to be praised, spotless One, matchless King. As big as you are, Lord, you see me. You. See. Me. Sometimes that’s hard for me to wrap my head around, but your Word tells me that you love me and that I am valuable to you. Your Word says you have not left me. I confess, Lord, that sometimes I feel alone. I have allowed my grief to cloud my vision of you because even though you tell me you are good and that you work things together for my good, none of this feels good. 

Your daughter seeks you, Lord. As I wrestle with reconciling my feelings and what you promise to be true, I seek you. I humbly ask for clarity, Lord; give me eyes to see beyond my momentary suffering and trust that You will not waste an ounce of my pain. I know that my own strength is not enough. Lord, you do give me more than I can bear because this is unbearable, but You fill me with YOUR strength. Remove anything from me, Lord, that is not of you: seeds of doubt, fear, anxiety, guilt. In the name of Jesus, the enemy has no place in my mind or in my spirit. I am Yours, Lord.  

I need you every day, Lord. Help me put one foot in front of the other. Give me laughter, Lord. Oh, Lord, I miss laughter. Remind me that joy comes in the morning. Right now, it feels like the opposite. I anticipate the night when I can sleep because I don’t have to face my reality, and in the morning when I wake the wave of sadness crashes over me. As I ask for joy and strength I am reminded that Nehemiah tells me the joy of the Lord is my strength! Your strength is made perfect in my weakness, Lord! As you fill me anew, Lord, and carry me—I know you have not left me. Thank you, Lord, for being my Hiding Place and for loving me. In Jesus’ precious and Holy name, I pray, Amen.

World Breastfeeding Week: Our story with Natural Age Weaning

I hadn’t planned on this being my first blog post in months (our gymnastics schedule totally threw off my blogging and I just never successfully adjusted my posting day lol). This began as an IG post, but my caption passed the word limit and I wasn’t done, so…I brought it over here. You’re welcome. 😉

Okay, here we go. It’s the end of World Breastfeeding Week and I felt prompted to share a bit of our experience with breastfeeding. I don’t typically engage in online debates. I honestly don’t have the energy for it. I’d rather have a slow, heart-to-heart conversation without presuppositions and the obsession to be right as a barrier to honest dialogue. I also don’t really follow celebrities, but when I saw a photo on the IG home page of Coco (Ice-T’s wife) nursing their 5-year-old (or maybe 6? I don’t remember.), I paused to read the comments. I knew what I would find–so I wasn’t surprised–but it still saddened me to see the vitriol spewed at this mama and the assumptions being made about ther kid’s present and future.

I get that natural age weaning isn’t for everyone, but just becasue it’s not for you doesn’t mean it’s not what is exactly right for another family.

Like most things in my life, breastfeeding didn’t play out like I thought it would. I didn’t plan on nursing as long as I have. When my Rosiegirl was born I assumed I would breastfeed till age 1. Why that age? No reason other than it’s what I saw around me. Mind you, my mom nursed me till I was 2 years, 3 months…she was awesome! But I thought, okay, age 1 will do. Then she turned 1 and I knew neither of us was ready to stop. I read about the continued benefits of breastfeeding into toddlerhood so we kept on. Then another 365 days would pass and another. I began to wonder if this was too long or if she was too old, mostly because no one else I knew personally was nursing that long. So I did what I usually do: I read as much as my brain could digest (it goes beyond the first page of a Google search). I found a forum that was discussing this as well as other baby/toddler/child behaviors that no one ever talks about publicly for fear of being shamed or ridiculed (even though most of the behaviors are natural). And you know what I found? Answers. And community. Community that told me I wasn’t the only one and that I had a safe space becasue they understood. And the answers I received from them and my own reading pointed me to biology, childhood development, etc. Knowledge really is power because when I combined what my mama gut knew my kid needed with the information I gathered, I no longer felt concern for what others would say or think. It didn’t matter if I was the only one doing whatever we were doing, I knew it was right for us.

Rosie self-weaned at age 4 1/2. Carina self-weaned a little past that. Gabriel will be 4 1/2 next month and nursing is still a natural part of our days. Each kid has needed it for different reasons and rather than something that is damaging to them, it is the complete opposite. Even our son’s occupational therapist has encouraged we continue if he isn’t ready to stop because of some of his particular needs. Breastfeeding was never solely about nutrition for baby.

I have friends who never breastfed, friends who wanted to breastfeed for a long time but whose babies self-weaned at 9 months, friends who nursed into advanced toddlerhood. There is room for all of us. What one person does isn’t a commentary on what you are doing. I know one post by one mama won’t change the minds and hearts of the masses, but if just one other mom finds this who is looking down at her nursing toddler, feeling the pressure to stop because her family or friends or community or the internet is telling her it’s weird and gross and that she is ruining her child and destining them to future psychological treatment, I want her to know she can rest easy and confidently in her decision to do what is right and best for her and her child; I want her to know that she will grow thicker skin over the years because this will most likely be one of many decisions she will make that will look nothing like what her peers or mainstream culture are doing, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s probably better.

Photo Cred goes to my friend, Cami, who said I would thank her one day for this photo. ❤️

Foster Care Awareness: Meet a Local Case Worker

Foster Care Awareness Month may officially have closed, but raising awareness on any issue doesn’t have to be confined to one month, so I’m continuing the series with just a few more stories. We’re hearing another voice of foster care this week. Becki Rossi has worked within the foster care system for almost 9 years. I don’t believe there to be any easy sides to foster care, no matter the angle or perspective, and so when I set out to hear people’s stories, I wanted to hear the heart of someone who sees the good, bad and ugly 8+ hours a day. Here is some insight from Becki…

1) Where do you work and what is your position there?

I work at Catholic Community Services – one of the 10 CUA (Community Umbrella Agency) that DHS contracts with in the City of Philadelphia.  Several years ago, the City of Philadelphia changed the way that foster care is managed due to a death of a foster child (Danielle Kelly).  After that horrible incident of neglect/abuse in foster care, DHS went to the 10 CUAs providing direct foster care services.  I work for one of those 10 agencies.  I’m a foster care social worker and am responsible for the safety, well-being and timely permanency of each of my clients.  I visit all my kids once a month, and provide additional support as needed to the foster families.  I’m in an adoption unit, meaning all my clients’ parents have lost their rights, so we are looking at adoption, rather than reunification.

2) How long have you been working in this capacity?

At my current job, only a year and a half.  In foster care, about 7 years.  I worked at Bethanna previously, in their foster care program and then their CUA.

3) What is the biggest need you see within the foster care system? Is it as simple as more families saying ‘yes’?

We desperately need more “good” families to be willing to be foster parents.  The opioid epidemic has increased the number of children needing homes.  There simply are not enough foster homes for these children to go.  Unfortunately, that’s why “marginal” families are accepted sometimes as foster parents.  The system is desperate for homes.  Sometimes in reality all we are looking for is a bed – I realize how sad that is for these kiddos, and it breaks my heart.  Not all people who say “yes” do it for the right reasons – and of course, that shows in the care they provide for the children.

4) How many children are waiting for a foster home currently in Philadelphia?

This is a tough question to answer.  When there is no home available for a child, but they need to be removed from their home of origin, extended family is always considered.  So sometimes children are placed in “kinship care” with a relative.  If there really is no home for a child to go, they are placed in a facility or shelter or housed at DHS for a day or two.  I don’t have stats on how many children need homes.  I did find one stat that relates: “In Philadelphia, about 700 children are in group home settings.  Of those, about 250 could be living with families if homes were available.” (DHS commissioner, Figueroa, Phila Inquirer)

5) As I understand it, family reunification is generally always the goal, am I correct in that? What does the process look like for a child/ren to return with their biological parents? At what point do they become available for adoption?

Yes, reunification is ALWAYS the first goal of any child, except for extreme cases of sexual abuse or attempted murder.  The parents are given goals they need to complete in order to get their kids back.  They review the case in court every 3 months to see how the parents are doing and to revise the goals as needed.  The parents are appointed attorneys free of charge, who are supposed to advocate for their rights, etc.  I say “supposed to” because unfortunately, these attorneys often barely know the case and the parents.  The law states that if a child is in foster care for 15-22 months that the goal can change to adoption and the court can seek the termination of parents rights (TPR).  That definitely does not happen on that timeline due to court continuances, etc.  So basically until TPR a child is not “Freed” up for adoption.  Once TPR happens the goal changes to adoption.

6) How many children are currently eligible for adoption?

In the US, there are 107,000 foster children eligible for and waiting to be adopted.  The average age of a waiting child is 7.7 years old and 29% of kids waiting to be adopted will spend at least 3 years in foster care.  (Adoptionnetwork.com)

7) What are the statistics for “success” in life for a child who has aged out of the foster care system? (From what I understand they are more likely to wind up in poverty, jail, etc….could you shed some light on that?)

Ugh, this one is pretty grim.

• “One in four PA youth who “age out” of the system experience homelessness, struggle with mental health and substance abuse issues.  One in four youth have been arrested since leaving foster care.”
• Another statistic that we talk about often is that only 1% of kids who were in foster care ever go to college.
• “Young women in foster care are two and a half times more likely to become pregnant by 19, than young women who were not in foster care.”
• “Nearly half of PA foster care youth that “aged out” have NOT found a job 4 years after leaving care”
• “Every year, on average, 1,100 PA youth “age out” of foster care at age 18″

 

8) What has been the biggest challenge or heartache in your position?

Biggest challenge is that the work is emotionally hard; long hours, constant needs and not enough resources. Biggest heartache is by far having to move a kid.  The worst.  I recently had to move an 8 year old from his aunt and uncle’s home where he had lived for 6 months, with everyone intending it to be his forever home.  The caregivers changed their minds when the child’s behaviors started to increase.  They gave up.  I had to deliver the news and physically move him to another home – strangers he had never met before.  It wrecked me.  I sobbed when I got home.  It kills me that caregivers will “return” kids, like they are puppies.  I’m not at all saying being a foster parent or adoptive parent is easy, but I just wish more people would put thought into the decision beforehand and then not quit when it gets hard.  This poor little guy – how will he ever learn to trust anyone??

9) What has been the biggest blessing?

Easy to answer this one.  Adoption days!!  I love seeing little lives transformed and the hope that adoption brings. Another blessing is seeing the resiliency of these kids.  It’s amazing.  They are truly little heroes.

10) If a family is not in a position to directly foster a child, what are other ways people can support children in foster care and/or the families who are answering this call?

So many options!!  I recently had a pregnant teen I was working with.  A group of women at my church provided her with baby items, diapers, etc. just to be an encouragement to her.  People are needed as respite caregivers (usually clearances are needed) to give foster families a break.  Even just giving foster parents a few hours of free babysitting can mean the world.

Prayer – for the children, the workers, the families.

Donations of NEW items.  Too many people donate their crap.  We have received dirty clothes as donations – so awful.  Yes, foster families receive a stipend to care for the children, however, in most cases it is delayed by at least a month, sometimes two.  Getting the children what they need for school, etc, can be hard for families that are just getting by themselves.  We have received donations of book bags and school supplies which has been very helpful.

And for any teachers reading this, please be sensitive to the children in your class that are in foster care.  They don’t want their classmates to know the person picking them up isn’t their “real” mom.  Especially for adolescents.  Respect their right to privacy.  Children in foster care, across the boards, struggle more academically and behaviorally than children in family homes.  Be sensitive to that.  Kids in foster care generally act out – they have been through trauma in one way or another.

Social Media

Sherry from @franklinavenue5 is another sincere and compassionate foster/adoptive mama. She advocates forming a close and loving relationship with biological parents (mamas, especially) and although some of the babies/kids that have been in her and her husband’s care have been reunified with their biological families, Sherry and Lucas are intentional about maintaining long-term relationships with the families, which as I recently learned, is a key component to kids not winding up in foster care again after having been reunified. It is also very sweet to watch the partnering that exists in their marriage!

Que tengan buen dia, amigos

Foster Care Awareness Month: Meet The Shafers

As you read through Jeremy + Kim’s story you’ll see the flow of making decisions: sometimes it requires careful consideration + sometimes you’re just supposed to jump. Oftentimes you will think a certain chapter has closed only to find out years later there’s still more to be written. It’s a beautifully choreographed dance between God + us: one of leading and following, prompting and cooperation; and, above all, a heart that is willing to say yes.

 

Here is their story.

If you ask my mom she will tell you that our foster/adoption journey goes all the way back to my childhood. She would tell you that I always wanted wanted a large family and that I always planned to adopt children. Jeremy, my husband, and I met at a church in Rochester, NY while we were both working with the children’s ministry and puppet team. Our mutual love for children is what initially drew us together.

Fast forward from there roughly 10 years. In 2005 we had four biological children and we both agreed that our family was complete with biological children but that we weren’t done yet. (Our daughter is now 20 years old is the eldest. Her three biological brothers are 18, 15, and 13 years old.) We both knew we wanted to adopt and maybe even foster but given the young ages of our children at the time we agreed adoption would be best. We were afraid of fostering and the uncertainty that came with it. After an information meeting at Bethany Christian Services we felt that God was leading us to adopt a special needs boy from China. Our age range was birth to 4 years old. I will never forget the phone call that we received. We had begun our adoption paperwork but had not submitted it all. Then we received a call from our case worker. I remember arguing with her because she had told us we couldn’t be matched until all of our paperwork was in. But… this situation she was calling about was a rare exception. She had the file of a little boy, age 2 at the time, who was missing his leg. They couldn’t find a family for him and if she didn’t his file would be sent back to China and he would mostly likely never be adopted. She wanted to know, “Would we look at his file?” We said yes and approximately a year later we traveled to China and that little boy officially joined our family. He has inspired so many people with his determination and charismatic personality. So there we were, a content family of 7.

About 2 years later we were beginning to feel that nudge that maybe our family was not complete. We were again in the very beginning stages of paperwork and trying to decide if adoption from China again was God’s plan. Then we received a phone call. The head of adoption at our agency called with “an unusual situation”. A one-year-old boy, who had multiple medical needs, had been living with his mom for the first year of his life needed a family. For various reasons his birth mom could no longer take care of him. She made the ultimate loving, sacrificial, and heart-rending choice to put him for adoption. During that phone call, we were told that this little boy might not live to age 2. He had heart issues, he was blind and deaf, the list went on. We prayed and within 2 months “Mo” joined our family. He is now an active 8 year old who is neither blind nor deaf and has defied all of the odds. He has many medical issues and he is what we consider a “lifer”, meaning that he will most likely never be able to live on his own. He has rocked our world. We can’t image our family without him. Our family was complete, but we knew we wanted to do more.

So that is where our foster care story begins. In January, 2018 we were officially licensed to foster. It was less than a week from that milestone when our phone rang. There was a one month old with medical needs in need of a family, and … would we take him? Within 48 hours we were parents to “Chewie”. Chewie has now been with us about 14 months. There’s no clear end in site for our fostering.

On paper this all sounds like a fairy tale with 3 happy endings. In reality, it is incredibly messy, it is hard, and some days it is very hard. Today, was visit day for Chewie. When I went to pick him up from his one-hour visit with his birth parents, he was screaming. He doesn’t really know them well (how could he?) and at some point during the visit he must have noticed I was gone. This is one of the hard, heart-breaking sides of foster care. Some days, foster care is like a pair of dice, and no matter what you role, a “hard side” comes up on at least one of those die.

His parents love him. But for reasons, some outside of their control, they cannot provide a safe home for him. They believe he is coming home to them soon. From my point of view, I don’t see how that could happen. This is a hard side of foster care. Chewie has 3 therapists that visit our home weekly. He has so many medical appointments that need to be kept track of. That is yet another hard side of foster care. We have 2 different social workers that visit and “inspect” our home monthly. More time, more visitors in our home, more scrutiny … another hard side.

Foster care is dirty diapers, and rocking a teething cranky baby in the night. But not every face on the dice comes up sour. Foster care is also witnessing a child crawl, meeting milestones, seeing a baby’s first smile, and hearing a baby’s delighted giggle.

Foster care is watching your older children step up and help out. When they go above and beyond for their siblings, you know that some important seeds are being sown in their hearts. Foster care and adoption have helped all of my children develop a compassion for children in need. It has forever changed our family. It has also forever changed “our village”. We could not have adopted, or even attempted fostering without our village. We were called by God to adopt and foster. We understand that not everyone is called as we are, and not everyone is able to do what we have done. But we have been surrounded by family and friends who support us and pray for us. They bring meals, they learn to do g-tube feedings, they learn about seizures, they watch our kiddos so we can go on dates, they check in with us to see how we are doing. They watch our other kiddos while we go to numerous medical appointments. We couldn’t do all we do without the support of our friends and family.

Adoption is hard, and foster care is hard. So why do it? We see foster care and adoption as our ministry. I am a stay-at-home mom. Although “Mo” is in school, he still has many medical appointments and health issues that would make working outside the home difficult for me. Fostering fits our lifestyle. Because I am home, I can take care of another child, I can transport to visits and medical appointments. The days are long, and some days are harder than others, but because God has called us to this life, he provides what we need to get through each day.

Social Media

The family over @thebrenner bunch just celebrated an adoption day on May 9th! They are a combination of foster + adoptive parents as they took in a sibling group of 4 to foster and the oldest 2 have just been adopted. They are waiting to find out what is to come with the 2 youngest, a set of twins. One common thread in fostering + adoption seems to be this: waiting. Waiting can be so frustrating, but God does some of His best work in the waiting.

Foster Care Awareness Month: Meet the Perez Family

I met Jen Perez through our homeschool co-op. I was so excited to have another Philly family in this Bucks County co-op that I almost couldn’t contain myself. In one year we went from 2 Philly families to 5! It was very exciting LOL. As I had more conversations with Jen it became apparent she loves babies. She was a surrogate mama not once, but twice!…and she and her husband have been fostering for 6 years total, thus far. Here is a snippet of their story…

How did you become involved in foster care?

Fostering had always been on our radar and planned on adopting. We fostered a 3-year-old boy for one week (he was reunited with his brother). Then life just got busy with our own children and it was several years before resuming foster care. We are fostering again (3ish years now).

Did you know families personally who were foster families?

Not at first. WE know so many foster families now! Mostly from church. One of the pastors at Bethel [Philadelphia Mills] fostered/adopted, he shared his story and many church families followed his lead.

What has been the biggest surprise?

I’ve been surprised at how many parents don’t care to be parents (neglect, abuse, general lack of knowledge/intuition). I’ve been surprised with medical needs; endless doctors visits, evaluation visits, therapies, social worker visits, court dates, occupational therapies, parent visits…; I’ve been surprised at how I can fall in love with a child, but not another, assuming I know if the child is reunitable. I was surprised that, at first, we had no desire to fister infants, only 3-5-year-olds. Changed our minds! Now we would prefer to foster infant-2 years old.

What has been the hardest thing?

Scheduling. Rearranging our routine to accomodate visits; to be understanding when an older biological child (of mine) does not want to share a room, again. When bio and foster child do not get along; it’s a full-time job with required overtime!

What has been the biggest blessing?

I’m not sure that has happened yet! Perhaps the option to adopt. So far, 6 foster kids have been reunited with family and I thought we would have adopted by now.

What do you think are some misconceptions about fostering?

I’m not sure; so far all of the negative things I’ve heard are true.

Has the decision to foster affected your marriage in any way (in the beginning or even now)?

I don’t feel like it has affected our marriage.

What impact has fostering had on your other children, whether biological or adopted?

It has definitely affedcted our biological children! They would rather not foster. Routine changes drastically; no one likes that! Toys/favorite things WILL get broken or stolen.

Was this a mutual calling or were one of you called first and the other was prayed into it/called later?

It was mutual/at the same time.

If someone isn’t in a position to be able to foster themselves, what are some other ways to come alongside foster families and support them?

Free babysitting would be an awesome help. Unfortunately, this is a daytime need and most other work or are unavailable during the day time. Or, just show up and help me clean! I’ll make coffee!

Here’s a fact: foster care is rewarding! Unfortunately, it’s hard on everyone in this house, at first. My storytelling does not put fostering up there with glitter and rainbows. It’s very hard. But we desire to foster anyway. You have to like kids. You have to be willing to say good-bye to a child you have fallen in love with.

The most recent development (after she’d already given me her answers to the questions) was that their last foster placement who was reunified with a family member was recently returned to Jen and Angel and is now adoptable! Even with this exciting news, there is still a long period of waiting ahead as they move through the process, which could take anywhere from 18-24 months. Let’s keep them in prayer as they look forward to making Baby E part of their forever family!

Social Media

Kari over @karirae tells of her foster and adoption story as one of obedience; one of taking James 1:27 to heart and opening their home. They have fostered 9 children so far and adopted 1. The Lord called her first and then He worked on her husband, and now they are all in! Follow her on Instagram to get a glimpse of her journey; she also shares a lot of helpful resources for foster + adoptive families!

Que tengan un dia maravilloso, amigos!

Foster Care Awareness Month: Meet the Desamours

The next couple I’d like to introduce you to is framily to us (get it? friends + family = framily!) and they just happen to be our pastoral family. Pastor Eric + Nancylee have been blessed with 6 children (and one grand-baby!) earthside. Their story is a testament to Christ’s redeeming love; furthermore, to see how their family loves on one another and legitimately has fun together is truly a treat to watch. The laughs are endless.

Their parenting journey has not been an easy one, their crosses have been many and they’ve been heavy; but–and I say this often–but, God. Only God can heal + redeem + transform. Only God can mold. Through the heavy + the hard much fruit has been yielded. Scripture describes the tell-tale signs of a believer as being able to “…identify them by their fruits…” (Matthew 7:16). Well, friends, the Desamours have yielded a whole orchard.

Nancylee shares some of their foster care + adoption story like this:

“My family and I became involved with the foster care system through a family member. My maternal cousin had been involved in the Department of Human Services for her three children. At this time, she was pregnant with her fourth. She gave birth to a baby girl in March 2007. Although her other three children were in the system, she was able to bring her daughter home. At the time she was living with my grandmother, and my grandmother would share concerns with the family. One night we were visiting when my cousin came home with the baby. She was under the influence of heroin at the time. The baby was dirty and bundled in winter clothing in early spring. She was sweating and had lost her voice. I remember hearing her cry, she cried, but her voice was hoarse. I asked my cousin if the baby was hungry and she said yes. I began to make her a bottle when I noticed every bottle was filled with old milk, and she didn’t have any formula to feed her. I decided that night to make the phone call to DHS hotline and make a report. I was able to convince my cousin to allow me to take the baby home with me so she could get some rest. She agreed, and that was the start of our journey with the foster care system.

Before this we had not been familiar with “the system” or anyone involved in foster care. That’s not to say that we didn’t know people who raised non biological children. It was just done by word of mouth, and not through DHS. Almost as if it were a crime to report abuse or neglect. After eighteen months of dealing with many court dates, canceled visits, and the biological parent’s numerous attempts to complete objectives, rights were terminated and this began the adoption process. Three months before we were to adopt, we received a phone call. One of the other children needed a permanent home. The family that was supposed to adopt him was no longer an option due to some logistics. He was two and a half years old, and the biological sibling of our soon to be daughter, so we said yes. We adopted both children on June 12, 2009. Our son is now thirteen and our daughter just turned twelve.

Although it has not always been an easy journey, the years that have passed have been filled with lots of laughter and love. I would be lying if I said, there has never been a time when I don’t think about what my life would have been if we said no. But then, I quickly imagine theirs and, in that moment, there are no regrets. I think the biggest surprise for us has been how you don’t realize how much love you have until you open yourself up to such little people that need to be loved. It is literally enough to change your entire world. The biggest blessing for us has been the opportunity to step into the lives of two children that had no voice to change their situation, and be their voice.

For us, the hardest thing has been the lack of information on what to expect. What I mean is, we received a ton of information and training on what it meant to adopt and bring someone into your family. We received CPR and First Aid training to last us a lifetime. They even provided us with birth records for each child and said, “You guys are going to do great!” But they failed to tell us, the long term of emotional/behavioral challenges our children and family would endure. I remember being at a women’s retreat and one of the women approached me and we engaged in a conversation about adoption. She said something that surprised me, and made me think. She said, “Good for you! It’s challenging when adopting younger children, because they don’t usually begin to act out until around eight years of age.” That really shocked me and I remember feeling afraid of the possible challenges we would face as a family, and I wondered why I’ve never heard that before. This opened my eyes and made me aware of some behaviors I started to notice in our son, who was around five at the time. It prompted me to read for myself what I may or may not be facing in the future.

Through this endeavor, I have learned that there cannot be an inkling of division or disunity of mind within your marriage. You both have to be on the same page with everything. The most important thing for your children, whether biological, foster, adopted, or step is to have a visual understanding that mom and dad are on the same team. Our marriage went through a rough patch for a while because I began to notice certain behaviors in our adopted son, and my husband did not fully understand the severity of them. This led to many disagreements. I believe a lot of it was due to frustration on both parts, because my son was able to use us against each other and before we knew it, we were on opposite sides when it involved disciplining him. I remember feeling so alone because no one understood my frustration, and this caused bitterness toward my husband. It was a difficult season for our other children as well. I know that fostering impacted our family in a great way. It opened their eyes to see the blessing of having both parents that love them and, most of all, that love Jesus in the home. I believe it also made them aware that there were children in need of that same love, and that opened their heart. And despite the hardships that came we always had hope anchored in Christ.”

Social Media

Jamie over @fosterthefamilyblog is another powerhouse foster + adoptive mama who candidly shares her journey on this all-in-or-not-at-all road of bringing kids into one’s life who just need a loving home.

Hasta pronto